You once asked me why I still chose to stay, and I
answered you with saying that I didn’t know.
I’d like to apologize for lying, because
the truth is I do know – it was just too hard to say.
Maybe because I didn’t look forward to the
sleepless nights of doing paperwork and research,
and the tiresome hours of breaking my fingers with
drafting for the next project; maybe I was too
tired of my teachers that didn’t teach enough,
that didn’t care enough, that didn’t feel enough,
that studying meant nothing short of dying,
crying on the inside as we took our exams,
planning our grade’s funeral, jokingly planning
to serve Starbucks and Mrs. Fields at the wake of
our dying transcripts; maybe it was because of
the loneliness of realizing that even
though friends are there, no one could fully fill in that
emptiness inside that you feel, that the best company
you could have is just yourself. But maybe it was
because we felt happy and sad at the same time,
both full of energy and yet so tired,
a collection of ironies and paradoxes
that exist normally side by side within us.
Maybe it was because even though life gave us
crap we still found the stars hidden behind dark night clouds,
that we dug our heels deep enough to reach the diamonds
that shone iridescent.
If you would ask me again why I chose to stay,
maybe I’d answer that I’d feel it was worth it.
That I loved it, that it was life; but those words
wouldn’t even cover it, not enough.
would ever convey how hard it is we endure.